Dating with Depression
- Moody Gem
- Jul 26, 2020
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 14, 2020
Anyone can tell you. Love is a battle field. But what happens when the war is raged on your heart and your mind? Dating with chronic depression can be a huge challenge. As some one who was diagnosed with dysthymia, a chronic form of depression, I constantly fight with myself questioning the decisions I make, what I say and what I'm looking for in a partner. This video was so relatable to how I felt in 2018 that I made it a point to share it with those I was seriously dating:
Things to consider:
1. Sharing your mental health diagnosis in the beginning is optional.
2. Who you start in the dating process is who you are. Sometimes when I would be dating someone for awhile, I'd notice that I was super open and vocal about what I wanted and expected and about my experiences, but as the relationships became less casual, I began to close up. I used to feel like maybe I sent in my representative and wasn't being authentic. But this is just a way my depressed mind was trying to keep me from enjoying the healthy relationship I was trying to build.
3. Trauma bonding is not intimacy. Sharing a difficult or tumultuous experience in common can feel like intimacy. It is the ability to be validated, serves as a reminder that you are strong and have done much to move forward, and sometimes it even feels like you can trust that person more as you both share in an experience that many may not have or understand. But the extent to which this conversation begins and centers around that particular trauma, the less it will prove fruitful for a relationship. Trauma has a way of often stunting a person. It makes them unable to process emotions, thoughts and information. As we may know, it can as often is present in some parts of the body. Having a connection after sharing in such a visceral experience does not make true intimacy if both people are stuck in the narrative around the traumatic experience. Intimacy on the other hand, is a learned and tested trust, a constant negotiation centered around truth speaking and receiving.
More information about the dangers of trauma bonds here: As the article eloquently says, "just because you hurt the same doesn't mean you love the same."
4. Plan for your depression. I will saying dating multiple people at once was fun. But the biggest scare was when my depression came popping up. I was high on the hope of future plans and future dates. Literally I was living for the weekend. So if plans changed, or if anything was not as I had hoped, I'd be devastated for at least a week afterward. Social anxiety has made me comfortable with knowing every detail of my day. Yet, dating calls for a bit of spontaneity and trust in yourself to be able to "handle" whatever may come. If you're like me then you know handling disappoint is just a matter of time before depression is knocking at the door. So you have to have a plan. I didn't have one when I was dating and it created these particular issues:
*I felt like shit and was seeking my dates to make me happy *I would get questions about not seeming like myself or being distant
*I would get the questions of if I was into the person or not (indirectly but still)
*I would have no sense of satisfaction in the present moment as I was either too numb or too pressed for a possible future I had no ability or plan to construct.
So what's the plan?
A) Create space and distance even when dating is going good. (We all like consistency in our lives, and being someone who isn't always available will make time away from you, to the person you're dating, normal and not alarming).
B) Have resources: a therapist, life coach, support group, online/remote counseling, a weekly check-in with friends or a friend about mental health. Have a person other than yourself who you feel safe to share your depression and feelings with OUTSIDE the person you are dating.
C) All those things you may have said you like to do on your dating profile or in casual conversation, make sure you feel good doing them alone. There will be time where it may be necessary for you to decompress. But when you're depressed, don't worry about doing the things. Have some sort of visual or psychical manifestation of those things to remind you what you are capable of all on your own.
D) Have a designated time day and place to be depressed in. Give yourself time to feel the depths of the depression. If you don't know why you're depressed sit in the discomfort and ask yourself why. HOWEVER, if the only answer seems to be self-harming: over eating, over-drinking, having risky sex, physical harm to yourself or others...that's when it's time to check back to Step B. If you do not have a support system call: 1-800-273-8255
E) After your designated time, it's time to slowly begin doing things for self-care. It may be very, very slow at first. Maybe you change your pants or try your best to fold a blanket. You brush your teeth, and even just maybe you put on a bra (you bad bitch you!) Seriously these small things when I am depressed are huge accomplishments. You are fighting your depression and every time you do the opposite of what the depression wants, you win.
There's so much that goes into dating at the beginning. These are just a few things I learned from trials and many many many errors. As I gear up to begin dating more seriously during quarantine, these seem to be stuck on my mind. XOXO,
Moody G
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