Online Dating While Fat, Black and Depressed

My title just made me tired. Not so much because of who I am. I am learning to love me. More so because the dumb way society decides to treat you because of these three things. Recently had a dope conversation about this topic online with like-minded plus-size black femmes/women. The consensus was being objectified and hypersexualized while also being dateless is a common reality. Way too common.

The Why

This reality is not without historical context. Being fetishized and hypersexualized as black women has infinite reference points.

Saartjie Baartman , the term BBW, and tropes stemming from the institution of slavery come to mind.

Wherever you decide to start, the end point is the same: we are out here black, beautiful, plus-sized and traumatized.

I didn't feel very protected from the male gaze as a child. I was told I "developed" early, and from a young age, I had to become more vigilant of who was watching my body and trying to control how my body was watched. This process of not seeing young black kids as children or extending them the grace of childhood innocence has far-reaching consequences for many black girls. This process is referred to in sociology as adultification. So, not only do fat black girls have the stress, bias, and negative attention of being seen as more "developed," their bodies are seen as such as well. This means that fat little black girls are often hypersexualized by grown men and boys alike. This attention does not come with an instruction manual. And to top it off, the male gaze FEELS gross. Honestly, even as an adult, it still feels this way. But because adult black plus-sized women's bodies are fetishized, black fat girls (given the trouble of adultification) are too. This is the beginning of so many troubling and scary times for many black girls. Whatever decisions they make, they are often done without proper guidance, protection, empathy from adults or extended grace from authority figures.

Provided by Georgetown Law's "Girlhood Interrupted:The Erasure of Black Girls’ Childhood"

My low-self esteem had little to do with my weight. I was okay with my size as a child. It was my personality that I wasn't too sure about. (But that's a whole other story). My depression is clinical. I don't wish to trace its origins because for many people with dysthymia, it has been around for what seems like your whole life. What I will say is being insecure and getting so much attention was not a healthy combination. Some girls cope by being hypervisible. Some step into their "womanhood," by exploring the realms of physical intimacy (this doesn't always mean sex). I on the other hand retreated. I became an ice queen; I was totally unapproachable and prayed no one would test me because I was close to melting. So, old men were always trying to talk to me. Boys my age always assumed I had a man (and I did...long distance). Therefore, I didn't learn how to date until well after high school. I, like many black fat young women my age, started to explore in my early-mid 20's. Because I was comfortable with men at a distance, (and because getting approached in-person wasn't happening) I used online dating sites.

The Evolution of Online Dating

But this was 2012. Most people still shunned online dating as the place where creepy, desperate people find companionship. I narrowed my search terms and only dated within three years of my age range. I had cute guys messaging me. There was hope! Nearly all my long term relationships started online. I was cuffed from 2013-2018. Being off the market and coming back to online dating proved wildly different AND disappointing. More cis-het men, more opportunity, more misogyny.

The Now

Being plus-sized and dating online as a black woman, you get different "vibes."

Preppy black and white professionals

Little room for free preferences beyond location

Athletic to skinny body types

Heights listed

You message first

Crickets

Varie -Tea!

Many free preferences beyond location

All body types

Height listed

Better convos because more effort in profile

Swipes don't expire

Black people of all professions and stages in life

Little room for free preferences beyond location

All body types

Height is NOT listed often

Variety

Many free preferences

All body types

Height is listed

More chance of interesting convo

Semi crickets

All types

All looks

All games

The rest are a waste of time. So here I am, reading through the lines and weeding out profiles. Avoiding the "you're so cute ," "sit on my face," and "I'm surprised you don't cook." Also gems like:

So in all, we have to navigate and ask questions to vet out decent non-weirdos, which adds an extra step to the game of meeting new boos. Yet, I refuse to settle for less.