Grieving & Rebirth

I recently watched a Tik Tok about feeling broken. Having a mental illness will definitely make you isolate and have a profound sense of loneliness. The person went on to express feelings that their mental illness will forever keep them from love. They said, “having someone who wants to be with me and not just say they wanna be with me.”

I recently was love bombed for the first time. Was told that I was an “experience.” Of course now that sounds like a corny line, but at the time, I had never felt so seen and wanted. It felt so good.

When they chose to walk away so quickly, it was intensely painful. I was really shocked. But soon the familiar wound came to the surface. Much like my Tik Tok friend, I knew it was inevitable.

I’ve frequently questioned why “they” leave. Forever a virgo, I have tried to improve myself and analyze what I was doing wrong ad nauseam. Did I love too hard? Was I too needy? Lately in the last 6 months, the people I’ve dated say I seem super busy and unavailable. The pendulum swings.

I have my own issues with trauma based on abandonment. My Tik Tok friend laments that they are just incapable of keeping someone in their life because nobody wants to stay.

As I am processing loss of friendships and relationships in this season of my life, I cannot help but to feel the same. Why?

My therapist says “it’s not that people don’t want to stay, but with the new boundaries, communication and overall growth you are experiencing, they might just not know how to.” While I am trying to consider that a possibility, sometimes I am not so convinced.

And I may have moved beyond the idea of needing to be perfect to be tolerable. That was a very shitty period in my life that I NEVER want to revisit. But sadly, this new phase… where I only tend my emotional soil, plant myself in healthy expectations of myself and allow others to show me who they are and act accordingly, yeah this shit hurts.

So why am I writing this? It’s not an encouragement post, because frankly I don’t really know how to encourage someone through grief. I guess at most I want to say that when people walk out of your life, and you are left “holding the pieces” that it is okay to grieve the loss. Regardless of if the person or situation was shitty or not.

There’s no proper way to grieve. Though I find myself being vigilant that I am not wallowing but rather observing and releasing the pain in whatever ways make sense to me at the time.

Grieving the living and grieving the loss of a situation feels strange to vocalize, but it is normal.

I am in a mode of rebirth. I feel like the phoenix rising from the ashes. Although the rising part is slow coming. I guess at the heart of it, I have to believe that one day I will feel appreciated for my transformation.

Until then I will value me and love me for me.